The Next Step

“Let’s say you have a friend and you two have been kicking for a long while. Everything is going great. No drama; no stress; no confusion whatsoever. Should one press the issue of “what’s next” between the two of them? Or should they just let things play out as whatever happens, happens?”

This sounds interesting. Okay, so let me get the facts straight. You (I mean, your friend) and this “significant other” have developed some sort of relationship over time. When you said “kicking it”, I’m going to assume that they’ve been engaging in some sort of physical intimacy over a period of time. Further, that intimacy is going to require the sharing of some degree of mutual romantic emotion. Also, since you mentioned that everything was going well, it can be implied that both people get along very well together, kind of like two good friends. However, “kicking it for a long while” suggests that they’ve moved beyond the ‘just friends’ phase.

In other words, they like each other. They enjoy each other’s company. They are friends and unofficial lovers at the same time. And from what you said, it seems like that is working well for them. So why change something that works? Why change?

Change can be good or bad in the context of this situation. By pressing the issue of “what’s next”, the relationship they already have can possibly be strengthened. For instance, if I were in your situation and I decide to tell this young lady about the things I’ve been thinking about (i.e. “pressing THE issue”), she might actually feel relieved that I decided to open up to her. Many times, relationships fail because of poor communication. By withholding feelings, ideas, and thoughts, sometimes we limit our relationships. Productive relationships thrive on kinetic, not potential energy (for all you science majors). Unused potential is detrimental and unproductive. Overall, communication is critical to building all types of relationships.

With that said, too much communication could be a risky and bad thing. It really depends on the people involved in the situation. By showing all of your cards, or putting everything out in the open, the significant other might feel like you’re rushing things. He or she might even be frightened by the things you reveal. By “pressing the issue” to a person like this, they might actually become less comfortable around you, or worse, unfortunately. That’s the risk! Once you decide to start talking about “what’s next” and such, you risk the intimacy that has been developed between the two of you.

This is making your head spin. I know. But wait!

On the OTHER hand, being acquiescent and letting things play out is not necessarily the best idea either. Quite simply, you might completely miss your golden opportunity to tell him or her how you feel. If you really have a strong desire to move the relationship in a forward direction, then you shouldn’t be afraid to voice your opinion and justify your cause. Hesitate if you may; someone else will come along and justify THEIR cause. Your words will then fall on deaf ears. You’ll be forced into a timeless zone, reserved for those-who-had-the-opportunity-but-didn’t-take-it. You know some people like that don’t you? Do you really want to be like them? Right. So just go ahead and speak up.

Communication is inherently good. Even if he or she doesn’t react in the way you would like, at least you can always say that you got it off your chest and you tried to move the relationship forward.

My sound advice is to make sure you know the person you’re talking to and exactly what to say to them when the time comes. Some people are attracted to people who take risks and speak their mind. Some people are repelled by such actions. It all just depends on the person.

If all else fails, have a movie night. Watch the great film Love & Basketball with Sanaa Lathan (my ex-wife) and Omar Epps. It's a bit of a chick flick, but it helps.