The Next Step

“Let’s say you have a friend and you two have been kicking for a long while. Everything is going great. No drama; no stress; no confusion whatsoever. Should one press the issue of “what’s next” between the two of them? Or should they just let things play out as whatever happens, happens?”

This sounds interesting. Okay, so let me get the facts straight. You (I mean, your friend) and this “significant other” have developed some sort of relationship over time. When you said “kicking it”, I’m going to assume that they’ve been engaging in some sort of physical intimacy over a period of time. Further, that intimacy is going to require the sharing of some degree of mutual romantic emotion. Also, since you mentioned that everything was going well, it can be implied that both people get along very well together, kind of like two good friends. However, “kicking it for a long while” suggests that they’ve moved beyond the ‘just friends’ phase.

In other words, they like each other. They enjoy each other’s company. They are friends and unofficial lovers at the same time. And from what you said, it seems like that is working well for them. So why change something that works? Why change?

Change can be good or bad in the context of this situation. By pressing the issue of “what’s next”, the relationship they already have can possibly be strengthened. For instance, if I were in your situation and I decide to tell this young lady about the things I’ve been thinking about (i.e. “pressing THE issue”), she might actually feel relieved that I decided to open up to her. Many times, relationships fail because of poor communication. By withholding feelings, ideas, and thoughts, sometimes we limit our relationships. Productive relationships thrive on kinetic, not potential energy (for all you science majors). Unused potential is detrimental and unproductive. Overall, communication is critical to building all types of relationships.

With that said, too much communication could be a risky and bad thing. It really depends on the people involved in the situation. By showing all of your cards, or putting everything out in the open, the significant other might feel like you’re rushing things. He or she might even be frightened by the things you reveal. By “pressing the issue” to a person like this, they might actually become less comfortable around you, or worse, unfortunately. That’s the risk! Once you decide to start talking about “what’s next” and such, you risk the intimacy that has been developed between the two of you.

This is making your head spin. I know. But wait!

On the OTHER hand, being acquiescent and letting things play out is not necessarily the best idea either. Quite simply, you might completely miss your golden opportunity to tell him or her how you feel. If you really have a strong desire to move the relationship in a forward direction, then you shouldn’t be afraid to voice your opinion and justify your cause. Hesitate if you may; someone else will come along and justify THEIR cause. Your words will then fall on deaf ears. You’ll be forced into a timeless zone, reserved for those-who-had-the-opportunity-but-didn’t-take-it. You know some people like that don’t you? Do you really want to be like them? Right. So just go ahead and speak up.

Communication is inherently good. Even if he or she doesn’t react in the way you would like, at least you can always say that you got it off your chest and you tried to move the relationship forward.

My sound advice is to make sure you know the person you’re talking to and exactly what to say to them when the time comes. Some people are attracted to people who take risks and speak their mind. Some people are repelled by such actions. It all just depends on the person.

If all else fails, have a movie night. Watch the great film Love & Basketball with Sanaa Lathan (my ex-wife) and Omar Epps. It's a bit of a chick flick, but it helps.

There's No Place Like Home

To many, the old saying: "Home is where the heart is" can be a stimulating motive for comfort and relief when feeling lonely or remote in the world. However, I believe like many things including love and beauty, a "home" and a "heart" can only be sufficiently defined by those attempting to define it. Hence, a home is in the eye of the beholder. I do believe that a home is the dwelling place of a heart and your home can only truly be defined by where your heart is located at a given time. Nevertheless, I have taken the aforementioned quote into my own hands and formed this hypothesis.

If a home is truly the dwelling place of a heart and in the heart we find the peacefulness of a home, then it is suggested that the two can be used interchangeably. The heart, much like the home, must be protected. In doing so, we must choose carefully who we let into our homes. We can't just allow anybody or anything to freely come and go as they/it please(s). When we do so, our hearts become less like homes, and more like houses. In other words, the heart becomes less pure and sincere, often even unconsciously. It becomes less comforting to those who abide in it.

A prolific balladeer once proclaimed that "A chair is still a chair...but a chair is not a house, and a house is not a home". This is true. Splenda will always be Splenda, but will never be real sugar. One is only a downgraded version of the other. Neither is perfect; however, one of them is pure. The song can be interpreted by different people in various ways. However, the main theme is concurrent with my hypothesis. A house will always be a house, but a house will never be as pure as a home/heart.

Further, a house is only temporary. If we continuously allow people to freely travel in an out of our homes as they please, we are allowing a sense of insecurity to fill us to the point where the term "house" doesn't even sufficiently fit the bill. At this point, a heart becomes somewhat of a "hotel". Or should I say "heartbreak hotel"? But what gets me, is that some people like this lifestyle of "hotel-hopping." One of my favorite teachers in high school told me once that I must create a small circle around me. This circle is meant only for me and God to reside. Period. Further out, there is a relatively larger circle, but by no means is it much bigger than the preceding. I cannot let just anyone into this circle - family is about all that would count here. Outside of this ring is the ambiguous circle of friends. This is where the line must be drawn... if I let too many people inside this ring (which is still relatively close to your innermost ring), then that's just more people than can hurt me or take my focus off what needs to be focused on. Look at what happened to Caesar. (laugh out loud.) I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but it's the truth.

Also, I'm not pointing fingers here. Read in between the lines. Like you, my heart is not a house. A house is not a home. Why? Because home is where my heart lives and I just can't let you inside.