I need a man’s advice on something I’ve been dealing with for a long time, again and again. My question is very simple. Why do men cheat and think they can get away with it?
Sincerely,
Miss Take
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Dear Miss Take,
First of all, that’s a good question and you aren’t the only one dealing with that issue. Trust me on that one.
To answer your question, I must point of a few interesting things. First, you’re question may be simple, but the answer is complex. I hope you can swallow it. Second, why have you been dealing with this issue “again and again”? Did he cheat on you AGAIN? I’m glad you requested my opinion because some women would have told you that it was his fault that he cheated. Look again. How many times must he cheat on you for you to learn? No offense, but this happens all too much. He cheats, you forgive. He screws up again, you forgive. He thinks he can get away with it now, so you forgive him again! What is this?
I apologize. Now let me answer your question. And keep in mind that what I say in the following only applies to these good-for-nothing cheating men, not the decent men of the world.
First, why do mean cheat anyway? Good question. It can be for any variety of reasons. It all depends on the condition of the relationship and the people involved. Many men cheat simply because they feel that they can get away with it. It’s like cheating in class. If you know you can get away with cheating on a test, then why waste time studying? Just cheat. You’ll get your A anyway. So, women, if there are no punitive measures or repercussions for infidelity, then why should you expect him not to cheat? Don’t be upset if and when he does. Basically, it’s like you’re just letting him do whatever he wants to do. Maybe you should tighten your grip on your man. A dog shouldn’t be let off his leash, ever.
“But what if I trust him?” you ask. Oh please. Why would you trust a dog over your own intuition? Is his name Lassie? Didn’t think so. Ruff ruff!
Further, a man may cheat because you cheated on him first. This is very uncommon simply because the man is usually the one who cheats first. If the woman cheats first, she normally has a good reason to do so and she’ll never get caught. Women are brilliant, right? However, IF it is revealed that you have cheated on him, he’s going to do one of three things: (1) leave you; (2) cheat on you; or (3) a combination of the first two. Also, he’s probably going to want to fight the guy you slept with. He’ll probably lose the fight and look stupid in the process. I digress.
Why does he always get caught, you ask? We men-folk are inferior beings when it comes to the art of infidelity. We have not yet mastered it as have our female counterparts. Let’s look at it one way. Women are naturally the more organized sex. Hence, they will carefully plan out an act of infidelity so that the man will never even suspect something is going on. If he does suspect something, a woman will always have an alibi and a friend to back her up. Pure genius!
Men on the other hand…
Think of cavemen, homo sapien retardenesis. Rubbing rocks together, still trying to make fire and impress the other cavemen. Men are so busy trying to impress other men (yes, I said it correctly) and on the grind to be the first to get the “next best thing” that we sometimes forget to cover our tracks. It’s true. And we pay for our mistakes. Time and time again.
I’m running out of time.
In closing, I say this: choose better men. There are enough of them around. And to the men who are mad at this, do better.
Sincerely,
Doctor J
(one of my articles from The Maroon Tiger student newspaper '08)
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
7.11.2009
The Next Step
“Let’s say you have a friend and you two have been kicking for a long while. Everything is going great. No drama; no stress; no confusion whatsoever. Should one press the issue of “what’s next” between the two of them? Or should they just let things play out as whatever happens, happens?”
This sounds interesting. Okay, so let me get the facts straight. You (I mean, your friend) and this “significant other” have developed some sort of relationship over time. When you said “kicking it”, I’m going to assume that they’ve been engaging in some sort of physical intimacy over a period of time. Further, that intimacy is going to require the sharing of some degree of mutual romantic emotion. Also, since you mentioned that everything was going well, it can be implied that both people get along very well together, kind of like two good friends. However, “kicking it for a long while” suggests that they’ve moved beyond the ‘just friends’ phase.
In other words, they like each other. They enjoy each other’s company. They are friends and unofficial lovers at the same time. And from what you said, it seems like that is working well for them. So why change something that works? Why change?
Change can be good or bad in the context of this situation. By pressing the issue of “what’s next”, the relationship they already have can possibly be strengthened. For instance, if I were in your situation and I decide to tell this young lady about the things I’ve been thinking about (i.e. “pressing THE issue”), she might actually feel relieved that I decided to open up to her. Many times, relationships fail because of poor communication. By withholding feelings, ideas, and thoughts, sometimes we limit our relationships. Productive relationships thrive on kinetic, not potential energy (for all you science majors). Unused potential is detrimental and unproductive. Overall, communication is critical to building all types of relationships.
With that said, too much communication could be a risky and bad thing. It really depends on the people involved in the situation. By showing all of your cards, or putting everything out in the open, the significant other might feel like you’re rushing things. He or she might even be frightened by the things you reveal. By “pressing the issue” to a person like this, they might actually become less comfortable around you, or worse, unfortunately. That’s the risk! Once you decide to start talking about “what’s next” and such, you risk the intimacy that has been developed between the two of you.
This is making your head spin. I know. But wait!
On the OTHER hand, being acquiescent and letting things play out is not necessarily the best idea either. Quite simply, you might completely miss your golden opportunity to tell him or her how you feel. If you really have a strong desire to move the relationship in a forward direction, then you shouldn’t be afraid to voice your opinion and justify your cause. Hesitate if you may; someone else will come along and justify THEIR cause. Your words will then fall on deaf ears. You’ll be forced into a timeless zone, reserved for those-who-had-the-opportunity-but-didn’t-take-it. You know some people like that don’t you? Do you really want to be like them? Right. So just go ahead and speak up.
Communication is inherently good. Even if he or she doesn’t react in the way you would like, at least you can always say that you got it off your chest and you tried to move the relationship forward.
My sound advice is to make sure you know the person you’re talking to and exactly what to say to them when the time comes. Some people are attracted to people who take risks and speak their mind. Some people are repelled by such actions. It all just depends on the person.
If all else fails, have a movie night. Watch the great film Love & Basketball with Sanaa Lathan (my ex-wife) and Omar Epps. It's a bit of a chick flick, but it helps.
This sounds interesting. Okay, so let me get the facts straight. You (I mean, your friend) and this “significant other” have developed some sort of relationship over time. When you said “kicking it”, I’m going to assume that they’ve been engaging in some sort of physical intimacy over a period of time. Further, that intimacy is going to require the sharing of some degree of mutual romantic emotion. Also, since you mentioned that everything was going well, it can be implied that both people get along very well together, kind of like two good friends. However, “kicking it for a long while” suggests that they’ve moved beyond the ‘just friends’ phase.
In other words, they like each other. They enjoy each other’s company. They are friends and unofficial lovers at the same time. And from what you said, it seems like that is working well for them. So why change something that works? Why change?
Change can be good or bad in the context of this situation. By pressing the issue of “what’s next”, the relationship they already have can possibly be strengthened. For instance, if I were in your situation and I decide to tell this young lady about the things I’ve been thinking about (i.e. “pressing THE issue”), she might actually feel relieved that I decided to open up to her. Many times, relationships fail because of poor communication. By withholding feelings, ideas, and thoughts, sometimes we limit our relationships. Productive relationships thrive on kinetic, not potential energy (for all you science majors). Unused potential is detrimental and unproductive. Overall, communication is critical to building all types of relationships.
With that said, too much communication could be a risky and bad thing. It really depends on the people involved in the situation. By showing all of your cards, or putting everything out in the open, the significant other might feel like you’re rushing things. He or she might even be frightened by the things you reveal. By “pressing the issue” to a person like this, they might actually become less comfortable around you, or worse, unfortunately. That’s the risk! Once you decide to start talking about “what’s next” and such, you risk the intimacy that has been developed between the two of you.
This is making your head spin. I know. But wait!
On the OTHER hand, being acquiescent and letting things play out is not necessarily the best idea either. Quite simply, you might completely miss your golden opportunity to tell him or her how you feel. If you really have a strong desire to move the relationship in a forward direction, then you shouldn’t be afraid to voice your opinion and justify your cause. Hesitate if you may; someone else will come along and justify THEIR cause. Your words will then fall on deaf ears. You’ll be forced into a timeless zone, reserved for those-who-had-the-opportunity-but-didn’t-take-it. You know some people like that don’t you? Do you really want to be like them? Right. So just go ahead and speak up.
Communication is inherently good. Even if he or she doesn’t react in the way you would like, at least you can always say that you got it off your chest and you tried to move the relationship forward.
My sound advice is to make sure you know the person you’re talking to and exactly what to say to them when the time comes. Some people are attracted to people who take risks and speak their mind. Some people are repelled by such actions. It all just depends on the person.
If all else fails, have a movie night. Watch the great film Love & Basketball with Sanaa Lathan (my ex-wife) and Omar Epps. It's a bit of a chick flick, but it helps.
Relationships in College
What is it with all these couples hanging around campus? It makes me sick. I just don’t understand why they are wasting time with each other. Everybody knows that college relationships don’t work. Right? So shouldn’t we be more focused on the real reason of being here in college – to get a good education?
....................................................................................................................................................................
First of all, let’s get one thing straight. If this issue is really making you sick, then you definitely might want to go get that checked out. Stay healthy my brother.
It’s very difficult to maintain a romantic relationship in college. Many, if not most eventually fail. Why? Because college is a time for maximizing your potential for success and for developing your personality as an individual, a.k.a. “finding yourself”. You and I both know that the academic side of college is stressful even without the addition of trying to have a social life. So why do people even try to do this girlfriend/boyfriend thing? The answer is quite simple and is rooted in psychology. I’ll take this time to do a little teaching. Here is my theory.
Assuming that most of the students you see around campus are freshmen, the people you are referring to have just broken out of the adolescent stage. Adolescence is a stage at which we are neither a child nor an adult; life is definitely complex as we attempt to find our own identity, struggle with social interactions, and grapple with moral issues. According to psychological theory, freshmen (aged 18-19) have just begun their first stage of adulthood. This shift in stages also allows for and often demands a shift in which we form relationships with. In adolescence, we are introduced to relationships with peer-related groups. However, we seek more intimate relationships and “love” when we cross over into the adult phase.
Because freshman fall into this transition period, they are more apt to seek out intimate relationships with the great amount of opportunity made available to them during their first few months of college. Put a school full of freshman girls right next door to a school full of freshman guys experiencing this same emotional transitions and you’ve got a formula for some intense connection.
Also, take into consideration the fact that freshman year is a time to get acquainted with the people and environment with whom you will spend the next four (or so) years around. With all this in mind, there is no question that you should see guys and girls all “hugged up” around campus.
But it’s not that they aren’t focused on their studies, although too much “huggin’ up” will most likely cause neglect of academic work and lower performance (its proven!). It’s simply because they are just going through this transition period. As these freshmen mature and grow into the adult phase, which lasts until about 35 years of age, the need for this exploration and intimacy amongst peers will decrease. You don’t see many juniors and seniors engaged in this activity because they have adjusted to the collegiate environment and no longer crave the social interactions as do underclassmen. By the upperclassmen years, usually students are gearing up for long-term status relationships (if anything). Well, actually seniors are too busy trying to graduate for all that mess. But overall, it’s a psychological thing.
To wrap up, I just want to point out that there are pros and cons to any argument about college relationships. It is all relative to the people involved. Some work, some fail. Some people are just looking for easy sex; some people give in to them easily. Overall, don’t chastise people for being in a relationship. Respect the fact that it works for them.
Now, if you’re just angry because you can’t get a girl yourself, then brother… we might need to have a talk about some personal problems.
....................................................................................................................................................................
First of all, let’s get one thing straight. If this issue is really making you sick, then you definitely might want to go get that checked out. Stay healthy my brother.
It’s very difficult to maintain a romantic relationship in college. Many, if not most eventually fail. Why? Because college is a time for maximizing your potential for success and for developing your personality as an individual, a.k.a. “finding yourself”. You and I both know that the academic side of college is stressful even without the addition of trying to have a social life. So why do people even try to do this girlfriend/boyfriend thing? The answer is quite simple and is rooted in psychology. I’ll take this time to do a little teaching. Here is my theory.
Assuming that most of the students you see around campus are freshmen, the people you are referring to have just broken out of the adolescent stage. Adolescence is a stage at which we are neither a child nor an adult; life is definitely complex as we attempt to find our own identity, struggle with social interactions, and grapple with moral issues. According to psychological theory, freshmen (aged 18-19) have just begun their first stage of adulthood. This shift in stages also allows for and often demands a shift in which we form relationships with. In adolescence, we are introduced to relationships with peer-related groups. However, we seek more intimate relationships and “love” when we cross over into the adult phase.
Because freshman fall into this transition period, they are more apt to seek out intimate relationships with the great amount of opportunity made available to them during their first few months of college. Put a school full of freshman girls right next door to a school full of freshman guys experiencing this same emotional transitions and you’ve got a formula for some intense connection.
Also, take into consideration the fact that freshman year is a time to get acquainted with the people and environment with whom you will spend the next four (or so) years around. With all this in mind, there is no question that you should see guys and girls all “hugged up” around campus.
But it’s not that they aren’t focused on their studies, although too much “huggin’ up” will most likely cause neglect of academic work and lower performance (its proven!). It’s simply because they are just going through this transition period. As these freshmen mature and grow into the adult phase, which lasts until about 35 years of age, the need for this exploration and intimacy amongst peers will decrease. You don’t see many juniors and seniors engaged in this activity because they have adjusted to the collegiate environment and no longer crave the social interactions as do underclassmen. By the upperclassmen years, usually students are gearing up for long-term status relationships (if anything). Well, actually seniors are too busy trying to graduate for all that mess. But overall, it’s a psychological thing.
To wrap up, I just want to point out that there are pros and cons to any argument about college relationships. It is all relative to the people involved. Some work, some fail. Some people are just looking for easy sex; some people give in to them easily. Overall, don’t chastise people for being in a relationship. Respect the fact that it works for them.
Now, if you’re just angry because you can’t get a girl yourself, then brother… we might need to have a talk about some personal problems.
Down Low Friends
So, I’m sitting in my office, The Brown Street Bench, one cloudy Thursday when a young brother comes up to me. He has a distraught look upon his face. Here’s what he said:
“I like to think that my views on life are pretty conservative. I love to debate and discourse on all sorts of topics, but I tend to steer away from those things which are taboo. Recently, I’ve noticed my best friend engaging in some very peculiar behavior. He’s been saying some weird things around me. To make a long story short, I think he is [on the down low]. I’m against homosexuality, but I really don’t want to lose a good friend. Should I confront him about it? Should I stop talking to him? What do I do?”
Here is what I told him:
Wow. It seems like you have a serious issue my brother. I can see the fragility in the situation already. Beware. Before you DO anything, you need to take some time out and THINK about what your plan of action is. There are a few steps in this process.
First, think about how you really feel about homosexuality and justify your reasoning. Make sure you do this; you wouldn’t want to offend him. I’m not going to tell you whether or not homosexuality is wrong. That is not my job here. But you need to develop an opinion of your own about the issue. And don’t tarry. Time is of the essence.
Second, does your friend know how you feel about homosexuality? Have you told him before? If so, then how did he react? His reaction to your opinion could be a decent indicator. If there was a conversation about the topic was it one-sided or did he also have an opinion? How does he feel about homosexuality? You might even want to ask how he feels about heterosexuality. I would do that as an ice breaker, eventually leading into a conversation about homosexuality.
Clearly, you are uncomfortable with him being homosexual, or the possibility thereof, or you wouldn’t have brought up the issue. Therefore, you are in fact uncomfortable with homosexuality to some degree. Why is that? Would it make a difference if he were not your close friend? And since he is your “best friend”, why does his sexuality matter? Better yet, of what concern is any man’s sexuality to you? [Breathe].
Take caution when approaching him about this. You can do it from a number of ways to make the situation seem less intense. Either way, you need to get the truth out of him. Right? But let me ask you this. Do you really want to know whether or not your boy is gay? If he is, will it change your friendship? Why? Do you think it would be better to not know? Is ignorance really bliss?
Enough questions, let me make a few points. If he is truly your friend, best friend at that, then the possibility of his homosexuality should not prompt a decline in the friendship. There is too much of this homophobic disinteraction on this campus and is detrimental to the foundation principles of this College. Don’t fall into that mix. Be more inclusive in your ideology and beliefs. Think for yourself. Don’t just think a certain way because someone told you to think that way. Are you willing to wager a friendship on something as trivial as his sexual preference? If so, then that says something about you sir.
My advice to you is to be accepting of him (if he is gay) and to use it as a tool to strengthen your friendship. Or, feel free to enjoy the joy of destroying a perfectly good friendship. I hope you don’t have a guilty conscience.
Sidenote: “Ignorance is bliss.”
“I like to think that my views on life are pretty conservative. I love to debate and discourse on all sorts of topics, but I tend to steer away from those things which are taboo. Recently, I’ve noticed my best friend engaging in some very peculiar behavior. He’s been saying some weird things around me. To make a long story short, I think he is [on the down low]. I’m against homosexuality, but I really don’t want to lose a good friend. Should I confront him about it? Should I stop talking to him? What do I do?”
Here is what I told him:
Wow. It seems like you have a serious issue my brother. I can see the fragility in the situation already. Beware. Before you DO anything, you need to take some time out and THINK about what your plan of action is. There are a few steps in this process.
First, think about how you really feel about homosexuality and justify your reasoning. Make sure you do this; you wouldn’t want to offend him. I’m not going to tell you whether or not homosexuality is wrong. That is not my job here. But you need to develop an opinion of your own about the issue. And don’t tarry. Time is of the essence.
Second, does your friend know how you feel about homosexuality? Have you told him before? If so, then how did he react? His reaction to your opinion could be a decent indicator. If there was a conversation about the topic was it one-sided or did he also have an opinion? How does he feel about homosexuality? You might even want to ask how he feels about heterosexuality. I would do that as an ice breaker, eventually leading into a conversation about homosexuality.
Clearly, you are uncomfortable with him being homosexual, or the possibility thereof, or you wouldn’t have brought up the issue. Therefore, you are in fact uncomfortable with homosexuality to some degree. Why is that? Would it make a difference if he were not your close friend? And since he is your “best friend”, why does his sexuality matter? Better yet, of what concern is any man’s sexuality to you? [Breathe].
Take caution when approaching him about this. You can do it from a number of ways to make the situation seem less intense. Either way, you need to get the truth out of him. Right? But let me ask you this. Do you really want to know whether or not your boy is gay? If he is, will it change your friendship? Why? Do you think it would be better to not know? Is ignorance really bliss?
Enough questions, let me make a few points. If he is truly your friend, best friend at that, then the possibility of his homosexuality should not prompt a decline in the friendship. There is too much of this homophobic disinteraction on this campus and is detrimental to the foundation principles of this College. Don’t fall into that mix. Be more inclusive in your ideology and beliefs. Think for yourself. Don’t just think a certain way because someone told you to think that way. Are you willing to wager a friendship on something as trivial as his sexual preference? If so, then that says something about you sir.
My advice to you is to be accepting of him (if he is gay) and to use it as a tool to strengthen your friendship. Or, feel free to enjoy the joy of destroying a perfectly good friendship. I hope you don’t have a guilty conscience.
Sidenote: “Ignorance is bliss.”
2.08.2009
Valentine's Day is Everyday!
“Oh, if it be to choose and call thee mine, love, thou art every day my Valentine!” Thomas Hood’s eloquent words reign true for some and fall deaf on many. It is no secret that the fourteenth day of this Black History month has been sweetened by ruby red lingerie and dipped in sensual brown chocolate. For it is a day marked by romantic expression. It is a special season where we get to show off and show our Significant Others how significant they really are.
It’s that time of year where it’s “okay” to splurge a little. A crimson red box of 14 scrumptious chocolate delectables never hurt anyone. Remember those colorful little sweet-heart candies with messages like “I LIKE YOU” and “BE MINE” that left you smiling all day? We’ve all experienced some level of bliss on this supposedly magical day of romance and affection – well, maybe not all of us.
But many people do know what it feels like to be in love and how it feels to be able to enjoy the sweetness with their so-called sweetheart. For those who haven’t experienced it, keep living.
In the midst of the sugar, spice, and everything nice associated with this holiday, has this sacred day of Eros been misconstrued and over-popularized? Valentine’s Day has somehow invaded our romances by allowing the expression of love to become superficial and false. Let me explain.
Valentine’s Day should be everyday. If you truly feel the way that you claim to feel about your lady/guy, then you shouldn’t restrict the expression of those feelings to a single day. Every year I see guys spending ridiculous amounts of money on girls for this occasion. Then the next day, it’s business as usual. What is this?? It says: “I will show people that I love you on Valentine’s Day and not any other day. Showing affection on other days of the year is pointless. I only love you on Valentine’s Day. etc.” Sound crazy? That’s the image you’re exhibiting.
“So, I’m just not supposed to get her anything for Valentine’s Day?” That’s not what I’m saying at all.
Listen. If you’re going to give her something for Valentine’s Day, I mean if you’re going to go way out, then why don’t you show that kind of devotion on the other days of the year?
But since you just HAVE to get her something, think about this. There’s nothing that says “I Love You” more than showing her you do through proper use of “just because” gifts.
Try this: On a random day, go buy her some roses – a dozen red ones – early in the morning. At some point in the day, “randomly” bump into her. Kiss her on the cheek with the roses in hand. Surprise! When she asks who they are for, tell her they are for her – just because. It works! Trust me. Add your own creative spin to it if you want. You can’t mess this up!
If you really care for your lover, remind them of this every day - every last 365 of them.
A young lady approached me with this argument today: “I don’t want to feel left out on Valentine’s Day when everybody else is getting nice things.” Is that how you really feel? Here’s the remedy.
Don’t let him treat you like a convenient Valentine partner. If you and your lover/significant other treat every day like its Valentine’s Day, then you won’t have this problem. You won’t feel left out because, unlike the rest of the girls you see, your man will have treated you like a princess everyday.
To those of you who have never experienced it and those who have negative views of V-Day, maybe you too will find love at some point this year when everyone else stops making it such a big deal.
This Valentine’s season, think about what he or she really means to you. If he really loves you the way he says he loves you and if she cares for you the way she claims she does, then Thomas Hood was right. “Thou art every day my Valentine!”
It’s that time of year where it’s “okay” to splurge a little. A crimson red box of 14 scrumptious chocolate delectables never hurt anyone. Remember those colorful little sweet-heart candies with messages like “I LIKE YOU” and “BE MINE” that left you smiling all day? We’ve all experienced some level of bliss on this supposedly magical day of romance and affection – well, maybe not all of us.
But many people do know what it feels like to be in love and how it feels to be able to enjoy the sweetness with their so-called sweetheart. For those who haven’t experienced it, keep living.
In the midst of the sugar, spice, and everything nice associated with this holiday, has this sacred day of Eros been misconstrued and over-popularized? Valentine’s Day has somehow invaded our romances by allowing the expression of love to become superficial and false. Let me explain.
Valentine’s Day should be everyday. If you truly feel the way that you claim to feel about your lady/guy, then you shouldn’t restrict the expression of those feelings to a single day. Every year I see guys spending ridiculous amounts of money on girls for this occasion. Then the next day, it’s business as usual. What is this?? It says: “I will show people that I love you on Valentine’s Day and not any other day. Showing affection on other days of the year is pointless. I only love you on Valentine’s Day. etc.” Sound crazy? That’s the image you’re exhibiting.
“So, I’m just not supposed to get her anything for Valentine’s Day?” That’s not what I’m saying at all.
Listen. If you’re going to give her something for Valentine’s Day, I mean if you’re going to go way out, then why don’t you show that kind of devotion on the other days of the year?
But since you just HAVE to get her something, think about this. There’s nothing that says “I Love You” more than showing her you do through proper use of “just because” gifts.
Try this: On a random day, go buy her some roses – a dozen red ones – early in the morning. At some point in the day, “randomly” bump into her. Kiss her on the cheek with the roses in hand. Surprise! When she asks who they are for, tell her they are for her – just because. It works! Trust me. Add your own creative spin to it if you want. You can’t mess this up!
If you really care for your lover, remind them of this every day - every last 365 of them.
A young lady approached me with this argument today: “I don’t want to feel left out on Valentine’s Day when everybody else is getting nice things.” Is that how you really feel? Here’s the remedy.
Don’t let him treat you like a convenient Valentine partner. If you and your lover/significant other treat every day like its Valentine’s Day, then you won’t have this problem. You won’t feel left out because, unlike the rest of the girls you see, your man will have treated you like a princess everyday.
To those of you who have never experienced it and those who have negative views of V-Day, maybe you too will find love at some point this year when everyone else stops making it such a big deal.
This Valentine’s season, think about what he or she really means to you. If he really loves you the way he says he loves you and if she cares for you the way she claims she does, then Thomas Hood was right. “Thou art every day my Valentine!”
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